


As I find my way back to you

by AbigailKinney4life



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Romance, Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 13:24:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbigailKinney4life/pseuds/AbigailKinney4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can see him, everyday. Alone, drinking, tired. Don't be sad, Dean. Hang in there until I can find my way back to you." Dean/Castiel. S7 spoilers x</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. With Nothing But Your Trench Coat On

As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

Warnings: Slash (Destiel) violence and adult content.

A/N: I never really thought of Dean and Castiel as a couple before, but after watching how close they got in season 6 and reading some Dean/Cas fanfiction, I really started to like the idea. This fic is set in season 7 after Cas dissapears into the water supply. This story contains alternating POV's. Hope you enjoy, reviews much appreciated x

Chapter One: With Nothing But Your Trench Coat On

Dean POV

I downed my 6th shot of whiskey and felt the burn as the liquid tore down my throat. The burn was good, I guess it proved I was still alive. At this point I had decided to ditch the glass and drink straight from the bottle. I don't know how much I've drunk at this point, but honestly, who cared? All I knew was that I was at that stage where Bobby's living room was blurring out of focus.

Sometimes I forget, I forget he isn't here anymore.

I find myself calling for him but he never comes, and then I would remember and my whole world would crash around my ears again.

I miss you, Cas. You have no idea how much I miss you.

They all know I miss you, and they treat me like a fricken child, like I' broken or something. Truth is, I am broken, I can't seem to eat or sleep and I have to drink myself to a state where I know I'm not gonna dream. 'Cause if I dream, I'm just gonna see you. I'm gonna see you walking into that God damn lake and dissapearing under the surface.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and glanced down at my watch. 3 AM.

There was no noise in Bobby's living room, not at this time of night. Nothing except the calm breathing of Sam as he slept across the room. I tried to focus on that. To use Sam to ground myself. Sammy is pretty much the only reason I get up everyday, 'cause he needs me. He needs me to protect him.

I figure if I didn't have Sam I'd be going completely out of mind by now.

I stared at Sammy's sleeping form for a long time. For a long time I thought Sam would be all that I needed, 'cause he seemed to be the only thing I got. I never once bargained on meeting an angel in a trench coat. I don't even know what happened, as soon as Cas and I met, there was just something. I really started to care about him, like a friend, then like a brother and then like something more...

Sometimes I just wanted to scream, I just wanted to talk to him. I know I'm not thinking straight and I know that Castiel is gone, but...I can still feel him, it's like he's still here. Sat down next to me on Bobby's couch and I can't see him.

His handprint on my shoulder fades a little more everyday. Soon there will be nothing left to connect us. Carefully, very carefully so I wouldn't wake anyone up, I began looking through my duffel bag until I came across what I was looking for. Gently, I lifted out Cas's trench coat that I had..I guess tenderly folded up when it had drifted to land, almost like it had drifted back to me. I know how sissy that sounds but I guess it's true. Besides, I'm inside my own head, no one to lie to in here.

It was almost like I was looking after it for him, for when he got back. I ran my hand along the fabric and felt the tears pricking at my eyes. I lay down slowly on Bobby's couch, hugging his trench coat to me, feeling close to him in a crazy sort of way. I felt my eyelids getting heavier as I buried my face in his trench coat to try and stop the tears that were now streaming.

"I'm sorry, Cas." I whispered to no one in particular as I felt myself fall into a drink-induced unconsciousness.

...

Castiel POV

I watched him fall asleep, but unnaturally so. He had been drinking too much again, I had watched as he had buried his face in my coat to try and stop his tears, and I had clearly heard him tell me that he was sorry. My anguish was so great I nearly broke free from the chair that I was bound to. My vessel was stiff with pain from watching Dean's anguish on the 3D image infront of me, but I also felt anger. As I could hear the Leviathan in the corner of the room chuckling softly.

"Why are you making me watch this?" I asked stiffly, unable to look anywhere except to the pixelated Dean infront of me, deep into a dreamless sleep at this point. I prayed he was peaceful at least in rest.

The Leviathan walked infront of me with a malicious grin on his face, like not only was he enjoying my pain but he was enjoying Dean's too. That alone made me want to tear his throat out.

"Because this is the best kind of torture," the Leviathan hissed at me. "Watching your precious little Dean suffering, thinking that you're gone. Soon, you wont be able to bear anymore."

It would be a lie to think that statement to be untrue. I didn't honestly know how much more I could take. Watching Dean cry, struggle inside his own skin. Dean was falling apart and there was nothing I could do about it.

I stared longingly at his sleeping image. Dean Winchester was a man I knew to be strong and unafraid. Only my father knows what I wouldn't give just to see him smile, if only for the last time.

"And once you can't take anymore..." the Leviathan continued, "you will tell us exactly what we want to know."

My head snapped up immediately to the piece of filth. I would never give the Leviathan's what they wanted.

"You'll have to kill me."

He laughed again. "You've become so much like little Dean Winchester, I hope you got to say your goodbyes, considering you'll never see him again."

My eyes fell to the floor uncomfortably as my heart was filled with my least favourite of the Human emotions; regret.

"So, tell me," the Leviathan continued, perching on the end of a desk across the room. "Watching the man of your dreams dying inside his own head...how does that make you feel?" He asked while grinning.

I turned my head to him, anger bubbling in my stomach. "I can see him, everyday." I practically spat. "Alone, drinking, tired. How do you think I feel!"

He laughed, he laughed in my face. And as he left the room and walked away I could still hear the same malicious laughter echoing through the hallways of the building.

And now I was alone again. Just me and Dean's agony spread out before me. The worst part about having to watch Dean's suffering was that I could see my eyes reflected in his. Lifeless, cold. We were both dying in our own heads, it was just a question of which of us would lose our grip on reality first. I suppose Dean has Sam, a focus point, someone to take care of. Sam eased Dean's pain and I had to be thankful for that.

I wondered if it were possible to feel your heart breaking.

Because that's what it felt like as I stared at the image of Dean, obviously pained even in sleep. The tears drying on his face.

"Don't be sad, Dean." I found myself saying to no one in particular.

"Hang in there until I can find my way back to you."


	2. I'm The Suffer In Silence Type

A/N: I don't even know if Cas has his Angel Sword in the series anymore but he does in here x

Chapter Two: I'm The Suffer In Silence Type

Dean POV

I couldn't seem to look Sam in the eye. Simply out of embarressment. He'd woken up before me, he always woke up before me. And when I woke up I had a warm blanket drapped over me, but he hadn't moved Castiel's trench coat. I guess I should be touched but, I didn't want Sam knowing that I cuddled up to a trench coat for comfort, that was just sad. And the fact that he hadn't brought it up meant that he was being all sympathetic with me. I just couldn't face sympathy right now.

No, what I needed was something to do. I needed to kill something evil, take my mind off things. If you ask me, kicking some ass is the best therapy around.

"Hey," said Sam, sticking his head around the corner of Bobby's living room and nearly making me jump. "Bobby just called," he informed me, "said he found something."

Finally!

"Well, what is it?" I asked, walking closer to him.

"He didn't say," said Sam, "but he said he's on his way back now."

"Right," I said, nodding. I looked at Sam and he looked like he was concentrating on something, like there was something he wanted to say but he didn't know how to say it.

"Sam, what's up?" I asked.

"How are you, Dean?" He asked, his voice was filled with concern and I had to roll my eyes.

"I'm fine, Sammy." I answered, deciding to wring the neck of the next person who asked me that question. Sam looked like he was about to argue when I was saved by the door opening and Bobby walked in carrying a stack of newspapers.

"Are they all from today?" I asked, confused.

"Yep," Bobby answered, setting the newspapers down on the coffee table. I looked at him quizzically and then picked up the newspaper on the top of the stack. I arched my eyebrow as I read the front page.

"Bill Gribson, 35, found in the woods yesterday..." my eyes widened and I looked up to Bobby and Sam, "...drained of blood."

"What?" Asked Sam, alarmed. He picked up a newspaper and began scanning the front page too.

"Sally Redfield," he read aloud, "body found mauled by an animal..."

I turned to Bobby. "You think it's vampire's?"

"Pretty damn sure," Bobby continued, "the hunting pattern is about right."

"Why would vampire's hunt so many people?" Asked Sam, rifling through the other newspapers, "have you noticed anything connecting the vics?" He asked Bobby.

"Nope," Bobby answered, "except they all lived in Ohio."

I actually grinned.

"What's so funny?" Bobby asked, confused.

"We've got a job," I said simply, "I've been dying to kill something!"And as I left the room I didn't see Bobby and Sam exchanging worried glances.

...

I walked back into Bobby's house later that day, loosening the tie of my FED suit, Sam looked up as I walked in.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," I said back, I looked around. "Where's Bobby?"

"He went to the library," Sam said, "see if he can dig anything up. What about you?"

"I just went to talk to the families of all the vics," I told Sam, "see if they know anything."

"You went to see all the families, today?" Asked Sam, sounding a little surprised.

"Well, it's not like I have anything better to do." I shrugged.

Sam shook his head slightly, I pretended that I didn't notice. "Well, did they know anything?"

"Well, the victims didn't know each other at all, but..." I pulled a slip of paper out of my pocket. "They all went to this same bar on the night they died." I pushed the address on the slip of paper towards Sam, he looked at me.

"Good work," he said, "we can check it out tomorrow."

"Why wait 'til tomorrow?" I asked, "call Bobby, we'll check it out now." I said, as I turned to leave the room again.

"Dean." Said Sam, stopping me. I turned back to him.

"What?" I asked, Sam looked partially annoyed.

"You're doing it again." He said.

"Doing what?" I asked exasperatedly.

"That thing where you try and hide your feelings," he said, "and your pain."

I shook my head. "Sam..."

"Look," Sam said, cutting me off. "Cas meant a lot to you, maybe even more than a lot..."

I couldn't help it, I just stared at the floor uncomfortably.

"I just want you to know, this pain that you're feeling...Dean, it's okay." Sam stared at me sympathetically. "It's okay because you lov..."

"What's your point, Sam?" I cut him off angrily, I glared at him and I could practically see him recoil a little bit. I didn't like shouting at Sam; he sighed.

"All I'm saying is that if you need someone to talk to...I'm here for you."

I stared at Sam for a long moment and nodded slightly. I guess when I thought about it, Sam was a lot like my own personal brand of sellotape, he wasn't a perfect fix but he sure as hell kept me together.

...

Sam POV

This research was pretty dead-end, I couldn't find any reason why Vampires would have any motivation for hunting in Ohio, but it wasn't the job I was worried about, there were bigger things here, like my brother.

Dean was currently loading Bobby's truck with weapons, because Bobby had agreed to going to check out the bar today and we didn't know what we were up against. Dean was running into this and Bobby knew it, but Bobby believed that Dean needed a distraction, something to take his mind off of Castiel, and I couldn't help but agree with him.

I missed Castiel too, we'd become good friends, and he had practically saved me from hell so I owed him my life. I liked Cas, and I liked what he had with Dean, I liked that he made Dean happy, and he was good for him. I guess the only thing I ever really wanted was for Dean to get a second chance at a good life.

I didn't know if Cas was alive or dead, but I'd given it a lot of thought. I couldn't think of any reason why the Leviathans would keep Cas alive, and I couldn't think of any reason why they would just let him go. All logic screamed against Castiel being alive but something in the back of my mind just didn't believe that he was dead. But I dunno if that was a gut feeling or if I just didn't want one of the only good things Dean had in his life taken away from him, I knew I was getting pretty helpless with Dean, I just didn't know what to do.

"Ca...Castiel..." I found myself calling out, and I didn't even know why. "Castiel...if you can hear me..." I sighed. "Cas, I need your help. It's Dean, he...he needs you...we all need you..." I actually felt tears pricking at my eyes, my voice broke slightly as I continued to talk to no one.

"Dean's struggling...he won't admit it but he misses you...you were such an important part in his life...I think you're the only person besides me, Bobby and our parents that he ever really loved...I...I..." I laughed slightly at myself through my sadness. "...I don't even know if you're alive, I don't even know if you can hear me..." I chuckled sadly again and looked to the floor, "I don't really know what to say..."

...

Castiel POV

"I can hear you, Sam." I said to myself, I guess it felt like I was speaking to him, which was comforting. Just like it was comforting to him for him to simply believe he was speaking to me.

I could hear Sam's familiar but pained voice echoing inside my head. I thought that with the binding spell the Leviathan's have me under I wouldn't be able to hear calls, but apparently I was wrong. It was horrible listening to Sam's pain, and listening to him describing Dean's desperation. I can see Dean as Sam is speaking to me, I can see him on that damned floating image infront of me; my hell.

Dean was alone, loading Bobby's truck with different weapons from the Impala. I was glad at least that he had a distraction, that was until he was rooting through his trunk and produced something I never thought I'd see again, my Angel Sword, and Dean seemed to freeze. He just stared at it, forehead slightly creased.

"You don't need to say anything." I said, even though I knew Sam could not hear me. My heart broke just that little bit more as I watched Dean simply staring at the angel sword, his face was expressionless and he didn't say anything.

"Because sometimes silence is the loudest word."


End file.
